Am I losing my insanity?
Before we left Sydney, my “pre-departure” self, as I’d like to call my head-space back then, was trying to imagine what the travel ahead would mean. Apart from general excitement I was worrying about a few things. My biggest fears (apart from running out of money too quickly) were these:
- Without work I’d lose a sense of self, of who I am. I dedicated a great deal of time and thought to my work and felt that it was defining who I was.
- Without work I’d be losing my daily routine and would become a lazy bludger. In fact, I imagined my life to be like a never-ending weekend or holiday trip. Both usually meant that I’d be in a rather constant state of hibernation, limiting life to the essentials such as food, a good book and more sleep.
Leaving Sydney required me to let go of many things such as clothes (I downsized my wardrobe three times with Thorsten’s help and chucked a hissy fit every time), shoes, books, most of our kitchen appliances, all of our furniture. The absolute hardest to leave was my cat and my friends. I still miss all of them dearly, but none of the other things I used to own.
Today, when I was watching little crabs from Cairn’s Esplanade at low tide (you do need a lot of time and patience to enjoy this pastime), I realized that I did let go of a whole lot more:
- I used to wake up in the morning craving at least five more minutes in bed. Now, if I want to sleep in, I just do it, but usually I wake up with the birds and get up. I don’t even know what time that usually is.
- I used to find picking things to wear extremely frustrating. I’ve asked Thorsten whether he can recall how many times a week I used to say “I need to go shopping, I really have nothing to wear”. My wardrobe now consists of a whole lot less and I still only need to do the washing once every two weeks…
- I used to be annoyed about the traffic on my way to work and home. Traffic was a constant topic I used to discuss.
- I used to worry about time a lot. Being on time to work, or better being in a bit early, hating being late, coming home on time so that I’d have more time left to do things after dinner. Funny enough, the only thing I usually managed to do after dinner is watch TV.
Back to me “pre-departure” fears. No, I neither feel any less “me” without being employed, nor am I a couchpotatoe. It took me quite a while to realize this: for the first time in a long while I wake up every morning and remind myself that today I can choose between an infinite number of possibilities that I can dedicate myself to. I can explore things I find interesting and that capture my imagination. This makes me happy. It puts a big smile on my face and it keeps me busy for hours.